03.12.2016

This post was meant for earlier this month, however I now have a teething 20 week old baby who doesn’t like it when I sit down to write and ignore her, apparently she thinks it’s ‘bad parenting’ or whatever, so it’s a bit late!
So, a year ago this month, on the 3rd of December, after a few weeks of feeling iffy, I got up at 5am to throw up and found out I was pregnant. I decided to text Jack to see if he was awake and then told him the news ..who doesn’t like being woken up at 5.30am to the news they’re going to be a Dad?! 😬 if you ever want to get your other half up in a hurry, tell them your pregnant because I’ve never seen him move so fast.
We told Jack’s Brother first and then the two of them decided to drag me up Warton Cragg on a walk to “celebrate” … nothing like scrambling up a hillside, sweaty and out of breath, trying to not vomit to celebrate pro-creation, big thumbs up guys.
Next we told my sister, after several missed phone calls, she finally rang me back with ‘What do you want??! You’re not going to tell me you’re pregnant or some shit are you?’ Erm well..way to ruin my big moment sis, sarcastic thumbs up to you too! As for the rest of family, I wish we’d been a bit more creative with our big reveal. We told my parents over Chinese food in a Christmas card addressed to ‘Gran and Grandad’ with a note reading ‘hope you’re ready to be grandparents’. It took them a while to get it, my dad especially as he was reading it upside down and oblivious, too busy trying to get to the prawn crackers before anyone else. The rest of the families were told in a similar way. My grandmas response being my favourite..”Oh well…Best of British!” a remark I’m still trying to figure out to this day. Was it Patriotic? Was it Racist? Or was she referring to the Beef she’d eaten for lunch?! Who knows!
What nobody told me is that most of the time pregnancy symptoms are hereditary and apparently my mother suffered terribly with both me and my sister. Thanks Mum 👍🏻

So for the next 4 months my diet consisted of Pringles and Lucozade and even those reappeared frequently, to this day I can’t bare to be around either of them.
I completely underestimated Morning sickness, I thought it was a queasy feeling that passed as the day went on. Bollocks. Allf*ckingday sickness it should be called because it was relentless. Apparently it’s only a small percentage of women who actually suffer from morning sickness, I guess I was one of the chosen few, Hurrah.
There was like lots of running up and down the stairs in between serving customers, LOTS of chewing gum was involved. I gave up brushing my teeth for a few weeks because the second the toothbrush neared my lips the ordeal would began and I was chained to sink for the next half an hour, like a scene from an exorcism, trying to expel the beast that lay within except the beast was a baby and she was here to stay for the next 9 months. I was basically a walking disaster mess who would crawl into work every morning to be found in a heap at the front door clutching my Lucozade and bacon butty whispering “Help meeee” like some kind of crazed Beast who’d crawled up from the sewer trying to blend in with mankind.

The only day I took off work was when I crashed my car into a hedge and even that was only because the nurse told me too. I’m stubborn like that, I didn’t want to let my colleagues down. Although I’m pretty sure they were secretly praying for me to stay at home because working with me meant twice as much work for them as I was pathetic and useless. I left some chocolates in the staff room the day I left for Maternity to show my gratitude towards them, half of which I ate to myself, apologies Ladies. I’ll make it up to them when I return to work by showing them endless pictures of Violet and filling every void in conversation with an anecdote from ‘What Violet did today’, I’m sure they’ll like that.

One of my worst memories was Christmas Eve, after genuinely thinking I wasn’t going to survive my shift at work, I then had to attend our traditional family meal at a local pizza place. The exhaustion mixed with delirious hungry lulled me into a false sense of hope as I managed to eat 3 courses, only to barely make it back to my parents house before being reacquainted with the entire 3 courses in reverse order, money well spent there, at least I enjoyed it when it was going down so minor win for me.

Basically I hated pregnancy, after the agonising wait for morning sickness to p*ss off there were a few weeks of bliss where I could enjoy the only good thing about being pregnant (other than the baby) … EATING. I’d lost weight in the previous 4 months and in my eyes this entitled me to stuff my face like Augustus Gloop and all the rest of Wonkas tribe put together. Somebody summon the Oompa Lumpas, because I could see the river of chocolate and I was diving in head first.

Obviously when I finally resurfaced I’d slightly over done it and have ever since been a bit fat. But this is just another thing I can hold over Violets head when she’s older and p*ssing me off.

Safe to say these few blissful weeks were short lived and from there on out it was Migraines, Swollen feet, Back pains, no sleep, Heartburn, horrifying stretch marks, several months where nothing would fit me, the inability to bend and my favourite..a Moon face. Towards the end I was back to being a hobbling mess, guzzling Gaviscon and spending the last few weeks covered head to toe in hives, with carpal tunnel in both hands. The whole ordeal had been quite rubbish but hey, may as well go out with a flourish.
In between all the crap bits were some pretty amazing bits. Like feeling and seeing her kick for the first time, hearing her heartbeat at pre-natal check ups and seeing her squishy little blob outline on the ultrasound and my favourite..finding out she was a girl and seeing Jack’s face turn from anticipation to mortal terror at the prospect of having a girl.
But the only glowing I ever experienced was a direct result of hurling or perspiration from trying to navigate the stairs, which incidentally I fell down, heavily pregnant. It’s a good job she’s so bloody cute because the whole thing was an ordeal for me but the moment Violet arrived all was forgiven and I now have a beautiful baby girl who’s just learnt to laugh ♥️ However safe to say, things have not been forgotten. Jack is DEFINITELY having the next one because I pass 🖕🏻
Violet, Echo and those known as Mum and Dad.

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