I try to use this blog to document the adventures I encounter during my journey through family life. I often use sarcasm and humour to try to capture my daily struggles but this post may slightly be lacking these quality today as this is a hard but necessary post for me to write.
Me and Jack have separated. After two months that is now a little easier to say. How does anyone prepare for the possibility that the one person they thought would never hurt them, hurts them most of all?
As most people will know, once you start a family, the dynamics of your relationship change and unfortunately not everyone is lucky enough to make it through. Although I never thought it would be us, it was.
I knew we had problems, spending evenings alone in separate rooms or in silence were not normal but stupidly I put it down to reasons unrelated to me. Desperate to have the joyful family life I had imagined during my pregnancy, had somewhat caused me to bury my head in the sand.
I could never get him out of the house without serious coercion and he seemed unwilling to want to spend time with us, with me. As a result, causing me to grow increasingly frustrated at him and our life, which inevitably led to the end of our relationship.
It was gut wrenchingly hard to see, that as soon as he left me, he became Mr Sociable, out for drinks, out for tea, weekends away, out out out out out, while I was left, packing up the remnants of our life together, with nothing but stress, tears and worries and no time for myself.
The guy i’d been desperate to have back, was the guy he became once he left me. That is when I realised something that was incredibly hard to comprehend but also incredibly simple.
He just didn’t want to do those things with me.
When faced with the choice of spending time with me and his PS4, he chose the latter. Always. For whatever reason I became someone he associated with negative feelings and sometimes I do blame myself for the way I handled problems between us, always feeling like a nag, but then I remember that actually, we entered into everything we did, as partners with mutual agreement. Our home, Our Dog and Parenthood, so I shouldn’t have needed to ask him for help, he should have done his share willingly, he didn’t.
When we got together we promised that we would always be ok as long as we talked. And that’s just what we didn’t do, we broke that promise, we didn’t talk. We both struggled with adulthood, we both found parenthood harder than expected and well, you know the deal with Echo.
The struggles were so real and instead of talking to each other civilly, like adults, we would let things sit and fester and they would come out in other ways, twisted, filled with resentment and anger and in a way that helped no one. We never argued either, there was no airing of grievances, no working through things, we just sat next to each other, suffering to ourselves, silently.
It seemed we were hit with struggle after struggle, worry after worry and I look back and realise that although it was by no means, all bad, we never really had chance to just enjoy each other as a couple.
Within a few months we had moved in together, had a dog and were expecting a baby. It was too much, too fast. There was a small window of carefreeness back when we first started living together, that we did not appreciate and if I could go back I would have wrung out every drop to make the most of it and quite simply would have talked to him more, but that’s a lesson learnt.
A silver lining to single mother hood, with being too busy to feed myself properly, having a child that steals my food to feed the dog like a warped miniature Robin Hood, and/or often being too stressed to keep food down, I have in fact, gone down a dress size (incredibly unhealthy and not recommended at all but hey, I am clutching at positivity straws here).
Also, with Violet being away from me for part of the week, she has now stopped breastfeeding. Although I have no longer, the ample bosom of a once breastfeeding Mama, I also, no longer have wonky tits either, so that’s something!
With the combination of this and some incredibly light yoga (I mean incredibly, sometimes I’m literally just laid still), my orange peel legs have become more toned, my bum has regained some of its post baby shape and I am left feeling a little less Old Mother Hubbard and a little more Yummy Mummy.
A few years ago, I would curled up in my bed and entered a world of exclusion, anxiety and depression however now, whether it be because I am now a mother or that I am now more sure of who I am, I won’t do that, I can’t do that. I have more important and productive things to do and far too much still to give, to let myself slip away. But also I wouldn’t get away with doing that, some days I do want to pull the covers over my head and lay perfectly still but with the combination of Violet and Echo searching for me is like Liam Neeson searching for his daughters captors..they will find me, they will climb on me and they will both cover me in drool.
I know in my mind, that I was a good girlfriend and a good partner. I did everything I could, I gave everything I had to give and I loved him so wholeheartedly that I would have given a whole lot more if he had given us a chance to work on things and I’m sure, that he knows.
However, instead of being sad about everything I have lost, I’m happy that I’m no longer wasting my precious time and energy in a relationship that had become one sided, that was simply not meant to be. Energy that I can now put into raising our daughter, into looking after myself and into a job that I love. I can allow myself time to enjoy every second I have to enjoy and know that one day when I make the decision to be with someone new, it will be have been the right decision.
It’s not always going to be easy and I accept this as fact but the things that once made us a great couple are the same things that will now (hopefully, one day) make us great friends, if only for our child’s sake and no one else’s.
If our relationship brought us both nothing else, it brought us both Violet and she is beyond perfect. She is going to grow up to be even more fantastic, with so much love around her.
After all, you don’t forget a girl with a name like Violet Balderstone.
Lots of love, Violet, Echo (yes I also got the joy of keeping the f*cking dog) and Me.
P.s Don’t get me wrong, I still hope Santa takes a shit in his stocking this Christmas but I’ll make ‘Being more Mature’ my New Years Resolution. After all 2019 is the year I turn 30. *gulp*